Spring Greetings from your school counselor, Ms. Shari.
Our Weekly Theme: Encourage
Encouragement at it’s best develops courage in our children to take risks which helps them become the best version of themselves possible.
Rudolf Dreikurs taught, “A child needs encouragement like a plant needs water.” But encouragement can get tricky. Encouragement is NOT fixing, rescuing or hovering. Encouragement helps children feel comfortable with the unknown, in the becoming. Encouragement is, “You haven’t gotten there YET, but look how far you’ve come! How did that feel to learn how to ride your bike without your training wheels?” So let’s take a look at what encouragement is and what it is not.
Encouragement is not praise. Studies have shown when children are praised for, let's say, being “smart”, they grow to hesitate taking risks because they fear disappointing you or not achieving the best/perfect result for themselves.
What happens then when they fall flat on their face trying to do something new? OUCH! Sometimes the experience of failure hurts us as parents more than it hurts our children. If they fail miserably does that now mean they are no longer (whatever they were just being praised for “being”) ? OR...do we want to encourage our children to keep trying, get back up and give it another shot! Grit is what we want our children to develop and encouragement is vital in that development.
This reminds me of a friend who was watching his son attempt to skate for the first time. I’m sure you all have similar experiences. His son was falling down every..other..step with the entire arena watching. My friend, the Dad, left to go get a coffee saying, “I can’t watch this” to which his father, the Grandpa, replied, “Welcome to fatherhood, son.” Fast forward to today and our little friend is very good at falling = ) and a fine skater. It’s painful to watch your child fall down. Why the heck do we have manuals to operate our microwaves and not a manual to raise children?
As Dreikurs said, “Encourage the deed [or effort], not the doer.” In other words, instead of, “You got an A, I’m so proud of you,” try, “This report card shows how hard you worked. You must be learning a lot!”
DIFFERENCES BETWEEN PRAISE AND ENCOURAGEMENT (taken from Positive Discipline)
| Praise | Encouragement |
Dictionary Definition | To express favorable judgment of To glorify, especially by attribution of perfection An expression of approval | To inspire with courage To spur on: stimulate |
Addresses | The doer; “Good Girl.” | The deed; “Good job.” |
Recognizes | Only complete, perfect product; “You did it right.” | Effort and improvement: “You gave it your best.” Or, “How do you feel about what you accomplished?” |
Attitude | Patronizing, manipulative: “I like the way Suzie is sitting.” | Respectful, appreciative: “Who can show me how we should be sitting now?” |
“I” message | Judgmental: “I like the way you did that.” | Self-directing: “I appreciate your cooperation.” |
Used most often with | Children: “You’re such a good girl.” | Adults: “Thanks for helping.” |
Examples | “I’m proud of you for getting an A” (Robs person of ownership of own achievement.) | “That A reflects your hard work.” (Recognizes ownership and responsibility for effort.) |
Invites | Children to change for others. “Approval junkies” | Children to change for themselves. “Inner direction.” |
Locus of control | External: “What do others think?” | Internal: “What do I think?” |
Teaches | What to think. Dependence on the evaluation of others. | How to think. Self-evaluation. |
Goal | Conformity. “You did it right.” | Understanding. “What do you think/ learn/feel?” |
Effect on sense of worth | Feel worthwhile when others approve | Feel worthwhile without the approval of others |
Long-term effect | Dependence of others | Self-confidence, self-reliance |